God Forgive me.

oh great its been i dont know how long since the last time i posted something on my blog. and well many things have happened duringthis time when i haven't blogged at all cos i guess i was just too lazy to do so.but well now im blogging and i wanna just pour my heart out to God and i hope no one would actually read the posts that i post. hmm anyway where do i start. well i'll start from the actual event of project rigel and awell after that i actually had acrush on ada, one of the girls at projet rigel. i really admired her vigour and energy to be able to last so long without sleep and never failed to have a smile on her face when she was mingling with the kids. well i did admit to her that i had a crush on her which i think wasnt the right thing to do cos what happened after that was really disastrous. she told me she liked me too and yeah we started to get really close even i told her i was gonna leave next time she still refused to let go and she said that she wants to hold on to me. well and me willingly let her and we got really close. then after that we actually went out yesterday and things got really out of hand when physical intimacy started to set in and we went past a point where we really lost our self dignity and the things that we've always believed in. i felt so impure and dirty after that and i realised that probably she just aint the girl for me and i aint ready for such a thing. yes i've been watching couples cuddle and kiss on the roads and in public and im actually envious about them. i wish i was the guy who was receiving then. but then when it actually happens to me, i feel so disgusted. and well i've made a promise to myself that i wouldnt get a girlfriend before i leave singapore and the only girls i would go out with alone are my really good friends and no one else. my mum's right too im really not ready to commit to a relationship cos it really requires lots of energy and time and thats what i really do not have. and besides next year i got ex wallaby and ndp..which would mean i would have even less time for a girl. and i feel really bad to leave ker han like that and he's my buddy i wouldnt want him to be alone when i just run off with some girl like that. he's stood by me many times when i was down and i guess i should repay him by being there for him when he really needs me too. well he did stay over last night and we had a really good chat over some horrible tasting honey ice cream even though it was gelare. there's many things that he hadn't told me and i could tell he was hiding it. hmm its okay la i guess at least he's told me everything. anyway i guess girls are just a hassle after all and i need more time with my army guys and my other friends :D anywa im happy that i had the courage to break everything with ada and make my point clear to her already. well im going to have my lunch now and then after that collect my psp and then after that go with ker han to play pool and swim swim.even though i hate swimming haha. anyway i feel better and happier today than i did yesterday. so the last thing im asking for is..God please forgive me. for I've done you wrong once again.