life with him.

well here goes nothing. dear God, technology has really advanced and so have I so i got myself a blog haha..i decided that i shall communicate each and every day with you through this method.besides i get to 'pen' down my thoughts more easily. i guess things havent been too great in my life and i have been pretty disobedient when it comes to doing the right thing and following my parents' instructions. life isnt that great right now but i hope as i go along i get to monitor how im changing and improving my way of life too. now its late already and i dont even feel like going to church tomorrow.gosh talk about a new change of life in me.not really working that well.i feel like i cant even live up to the expectations of a christian lifestyle..i know i did it once but im not sure whether i can do it again.its always easy to say with God's help anything's possible..well i just gotta trust in those words and see if change is really gonna happen to me. well i wanna pray that i will get over marese and honestly treat her like a friend and stop having feelings for her. i keep letting myself fall for her and really just distracting me from the way i live my life. i know that if i dont ever get over her, my life in Christ will never be full and things will never change. well now that im in the army and lots of things have changed for me..i have to learn how to adapt to change..i was depressed and feeling suicidal yes but i guess not anymore cos i realised that i have friends that i can always turn to and always count on too..they can be my pillars of strength and they are the ones who will be helping me survive through the whole national service term..i will survive and with the help of the Lord im sure im gonna survive it well. and the past few days i've been thinking about my childhood best friend calvin..i really am sad that he is the way he is now and i know that he shouldnt be like that..i mean he's really way better than what he is now..i feel so guilty for the years lost and i should learn to spend more time with him even though he's in canada..maybe through email we could update each other about our lives. anyway talking about email...recently i've been emailing min li and she's been replying everyday and im really thankful for that..im going to be in the same class as her next time and probably she's gonna be the one to help me fit in when i move over to australia..im really glad that i still have a friend like her. oh well. i know my life's different from my friends and i gotta accept that cos this is the route that i chose to take and now i cant look back and blame anyone else so yeah im sorry mum and dad that i actually blamed you two for sending me into army early. i guess you're right in a way that friends arent really forever. we all lead different lives and sometimes its really so difficult to keep up with each other's lives anymore although i really wish i could spend more time with my old buddies from 4F and also friends that i've not met in a really long time. i still remember this verse in the bible that tells me that "so do not fear, for i am with you. do not be dismayed, for i will not forsake you. i will uphold you with my righteous right hand" i think this verse is from isaiah. i guess i have to bury this verse deep inside my heart and never let it out. in this way i know that my God is always there for me and he is never ever gonna leave. its easy to say that i do not need anyone or anything else for i have God and he is more than enough for me. but its really hard to be alone and just have him alone..i still need my friends and my family for me to get through this life. from today onwards i will start trying to make changes and i gotta spend more time listening to that still small voice in my head telling me what im supposed to do..where im wrong and where im right.God save me.